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Zen & the Art of spiderman kissing

Statutory Warning: People suffering from ‘Acrophobia’ (fear of heights) and ‘Vertigo’ (dizziness caused due to heights) qualify as natural students to this peripheral technical guide and hence to the final course to be imparted at Webciti by Jorogumo Takayochi and Baba Makr-ande. Rest, if interested, please apply for the qualifying test online at www.confederacyofspidersocieties.com with a birthday-suit photograph of yours.

Students aspiring to take up spiderman kissing as livelihood, are hereby notified that the following material would serve as their bible for the qualifying round to be held at Webciti on the 1st of April.

The following names, both common and scientific are available. One has to spin a name (permutation & combination of scientific and common name a must for spinning) for himself, for the final round.

Common Name Scientific Name
House or Cobweb Spider Theridiidae
Ground or Wolf Spider Lycosidae
Jumping Spider Salticidae
Crab Spider Thomisidae
Sac Spider Clubionidae
Orb Weaver or Garden Spider Araneidae
Funnel Weaver Agelenidae
Sheetweb Weaver Linyphiinae
Cellar or Daddy-Long-Legs Spider Pholcidae
Harvestman Phalangiidae
Fishing or Nursery-Web Spider Pisauridae


Interested ladies, if can go through a sex change within a week and have rest of the pre-requisites are welcome for the qualifying rounds.

First things first, one has to install a light hanging bar (preferred metal aluminum) from the ceiling, in every room of the house. The lighter the bar, the better it is, coz you’ll get used to head-crashes

Get yourself at least ten qualities of threads in ten or more colors to practice spinning psychedelic webs (these are in!!!). Ignore all comments coming from your folks after you’ve started spinning. Avoid all calls from Spin Doctors, they may turn out to be a constant source distraction, if you are gifted with spinning.

Hire a yoga teacher and practice ‘Sirsha aasana’(head-stand) for atleast an hour a day . This will help to keep the rising testosterone levels in balance.*

Start spending as much time as you can, hanging upside down from the hanging bars. Always keep your hair gelled to avoid hair falling on your face which act as a detoxifier while kissing (unless of course the lady in question prefers hair in place of spaghetti).

Start brushing you teeth, watching TV., having breakfast upside down, as in hanging upside down.

Have only milk and eggs (sunny-side-up) for breakfast. Will help nourish your hair if you can’t have it.

Have baked garden-spiders for lunch and steamed black-widow spiders for dinner. If this causes split personality pangs double the dosage of ‘sirsha-aasana’*

Make a list of all the girlfriends and acquaintances (ladies) you have and call at least 2-3 of them a day and ask them to volunteer for the act. Try and catch them off-guard while hanging upside down. Research shows this technique makes a student strong and propels him for the farther course of action.

Last but not the least, get yourself good supporters. And, don’t miss to wear at least 2-3 of them(one over the other).

*This article or The Confederacy of Spider Societies will not be liable for any de-arranged mannerism or coercive course of action on any student’s part. As a word of caution, lunch and dinner prescribed here may cause testosterone levels to rise beyond the realm of damage control, please think twice and inform neighbors having young daughters, before hand.

Best of luck & happy practicing



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