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Critic’s critic
  

The other day I was wondering about a profession where one could earn money if not a lot but at least enough to sustain oneself with minimal amount of effort. Then as I was pondering over it for almost a days length the idea struck me as I was having a full body massage.(as most ideas do, the massage really invigorates my brain cells).You infact might have already guessed it even though it took the silly me almost a day to figure that out....Yah, I was going to suggest becoming a critic. After giving it some deeper thought trying to figure out what field do I have enough expertise in to be a able to make an actual living out of it(I am pretty much in danger of being laid out of my present job)..And I scanned through a few options which I shall share with u.

The very first idea that flashed in my mind was that of becoming a wife critic. It seems stupid now but at that very moment it seemed quite a brilliant proposition. With all the time that I have spent talking about my wife making her the butt of my jokes with my all too eager to listen male friends it occurred to me that there must be at least 1 billion people (about 90 % of married men that is) who would be quite interested in my critical opinion of my wife’s activities. That would certainly be sufficient material there to be able to write weekly articles for at least 5 years. Picking up on all the little nuances (I will hope to leave out our sex life for that would put me in danger of being starved of any action in bed), the way she spends 4 hours getting ready for a 2 hour long dinner at a friends house or how she easily she gets worked up when I walk on her expensive Persian rug with my shoes on .Not to mention her less then palatable cooking. And surely in 5 yrs time her ass would be big enough to scrape in one last article about that too. So I rushed off too the nearest bar hoping to find fellow mates who might appreciate the idea but as soon as I opened my mouth another fellow started talking about his wife and after hearing him it occurred to me that even if I did actually enter the profession and made a success out of being a wife critic there would be enough people who would beat me at the game as unfortunately (or fortunately) I have seemingly a less hostile wife than others.

      


A "Microsoft critic" it was so obvious that I am surprised somebody hasn't already made a profession out of it. I was jubilant with this particular idea. I had hit the jack pot. Now Bill Gates would be the center of all my articles. And for once a critic would be conveying the popular opinion All I need to do is bash bash bash bash bash and some more bash. So I ran off to my computer literate friend and told him my idea of starting a new career as a critic. But unfortunately I was soon to learn that I would need to learn so much computer related jargon and know the ins and outs of "Windows" and the monopolizing marketing strategies of Microsoft that it defeated the whole purpose of earning without doing. Any ways when i did try to write an article and email it to my friends and every one on my address list with the subject heading as "Microsoft out of the window" i later came to know that no one really bothered to open it fearing it was a virus.


Then I thought of becoming an expert critic on Bosses after all I had gathered enough experience in this particular field. Infact I would have years of practice. So of I went deliriously to the nearest market and caught up with a complete stranger and started discussing my boss and asking his experience with his. Buzz off was the reply. The next person was no different and the next and the next. Finally I found an old looking gentle man who had had worked for the same guy for 17 years and he advised me totally against it. People tend to keep all there boss gossip confined to there offices at home they would rather remain blissful ignorant of their work and above all there bosses.

All my ideas not really working it seems after a long deliberation that there are only three fields where I could make enough money to sustain my daily need of a pack of cigarettes and a tank full of gas to drive occasionally to my girlfriends apartment.

I went through literally hundreds of field where one may be required but it just seems people would rather trust there own opinions and not feed their mind with additional clutter. Which also makes me question eventually the need for any critics at all?
In any case here are the three fields of critics where one may earn something without knowing anything.

Movie critic-Not a bad profession .But it will mean actually watching all that crappy movies (most of the recent ones are) and shifting to a staple diet of popcorns. And it’s probably the most competitive and well occupied profession (with all the people with failed dreams of an exciting career else where and thinking that just because they can watch movies without too much buttocks strain they have the right to tell the people of a free country what to watch.)But the extra perk would be meeting all those stars at parties thrown by movie producers just to get on your good side.

Qualification-Being able too sit in dark rooms watching movies for hours without straining your eyes and not feeling nauseated after having endless rounds of Pepsi and popcorn every week.

Food critic: Here are a few words u need to know and u are done. Repeat then through the length of ur review prefixing and suffixing them occasionally with obscure names of dishes.

Ambivalent
Highly Recommended
Passable
Done to Perfection
Undone
Spicy
Forgettable experience
Too greasy

To me this is the best of all critics (all that free food).And it makes restaurant managers tremble each time u come to dine. After all u don’t need to be an anonymous viewer in a multiplex jotting down mental notes. Just order all the expensive dishes.

Qualification - Childhood of gluttony.

Book critic -An ideal side profession to being a movie critic, so that you can go to the nearest movie rental and pick up the movie based on the novel u are looking to review (who wants to lie in bed and go through 350 pages of black “typewritten tiny words” unless of course it is Nicole smith’s or Monica Lewinsky’s autobiography. This one is probably the most tedious of all the critics and possibly also the least sought.

Qualification-Having spent a child hood sitting by the basketball court reading Charles Dickens “The Great Expectations” when all the other kids were actually playing the stupid game.

Think it over and start brushing up all the reviews by critics as critically as possible picking up the subtle aspects of being a critic (I assure u there aren’t many).Start practicing writing critical reviews in ur chosen field and if ur views are the exact opposite of 80% of people u ask to read ur writing ur prospects are very bright indeed. Wishing u all the best if u choose to heed any of my advice. While I try my own hand at writing a movie review-Matrix-4 machines do the laundry.

 




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